Dad-ology or The Big Picture

As a bachelor - doing well as a film maker - I had invested in an apartment in one of the first and foremost gated townships in Powai, Mumbai. Goats pranced on the green slopes of surrounding hills; ripples on the lake were as soothing as a harp. There were forested areas, two health clubs, swimming pools, a mini-golf course and a school with a playground in Mumbai!

When I visited this place for the first time, I glimpsed a sequence from my future, featuring my children cycling through the parks and streets, walking home from school in conversation with the birds, in a safe and secure environment.

Soon after, I did get married and some years later my children arrived to enjoy a secure family, an idyllic environment - everything that parents dream of providing their children. That lasted for three years, before family life was torn asunder, finding my children with my spouse in another city.

In an instant, a vibrant home was transformed into a sanctuary screaming with silence. The self had mattered little with the welfare of the children paramount in every thought and action. Suddenly, this wonderful township was meaningless, as the reason for living here was the family. There were no children to share with, no one to give to.... or so I thought. Evidently, there were lessons to be learnt by what I considered traumatic but the 'big picture' wasn't apparent yet.

Swimming was an everyday ritual we relished and now every stroke was a painful reminder of the immense satisfaction I had derived from teaching my two sons. Other parents who had watched me train my own began approaching me to train their kids. Gradually, I found myself investing the same time and energy in helping other children enjoy the water; rewarded with an ecstatic smile that accompanied every confident splash.

About the same time I started teaching speech and drama to children, explaining and instructing them in laborious detail in exactly the same way I would have done mine own. From participating in the growth and development of just two children, I found myself involved with many times that number; instilling them with self-esteem and self confidence - investing in them a part of me I had hitherto reserved for my own with no thought of sharing - as I wanted to save my best for my progeny only.

With every gesture and deed performed without expectation, I found myself blessed with more 'sons' and 'daughters' who returned for an assuring smile, a paternal hug, the exhilaration of a boosted self-confidence by achieving much through small things - like learning to perform a handstand, cycling without support, swimming on one's own steam.

It made me realise that as parents how unprepared we are to share with those that are not our own blood. Are we really selfless in 'sacrificing' time, energy, for our own or, do we demand 'returns' on our investments, compounded with the interest of high expectations?

There are millions of children out there who yearn for a smile, the warmth of an assuring embrace, a pat of appreciation for whom nothing is impossible with a little sense of security but it isn't available to them for one reason or other; either they are orphans, or abused, or juveniles or runways or, just children of very busy - and probably very rich- parents.

One of my most ‘giving’ moments occurred when I was filming at a children's home for HIV infected children. A young boy no older than three held my finger for the entire duration of my visit. He said nothing but held my finger tighter and tighter, following me everywhere I went. I had really given so little – so effortlessly - but this child had received so much and so did I!

My concern does not end with children. I am concerned about single Dads -like me - deprived of the affection of their own by irate spouses determined to cause maximum hurt, about single women yearning for the opportunity to exert maternal affection; about Grandpas and Grandmas relegated to old age homes craving to share their anecdotes of a lifetime with anyone willing to lend an ear.

We waste emotional resources in frightening proportions on a daily basis. If only we channelled the emotional flow between those with the need to give, to those with the need to receive, could we not resolve so many significant problems that plague our societies in the throes of change? Wouldn’t we all be receiving in the process?

Wouldn't a grandpa's time be better spent in an orphanage telling stories than in the mundane monotonous routine of an old age home? Wouldn't a single Dad be less distressed if he shared paternal advice with a bunch of juveniles at a remand home? Would he not be rewarded handsomely, if they considered him their role model? Would it not ease the pain of pining for one’s own?

If we, as parents - single or otherwise - think beyond expectations; if we think beyond being 'rewarded' emotionally or, materially by our own blood; if we share a gesture or, deed with any child in need during the course of a day - devoid of expectation - we open the sluice gates to a reservoir of positive energy.

Furthermore, we take the pressure off our flesh and blood who can give without being deemed emotional property, requiring to yield affection on demand; who can give of their own volition and in the process deriving immense reward from the process of giving.

That 'big picture' which I couldn't quite figure a few years ago has now been made apparent. Quite simply, in every cloud of trauma there is the silver lining of a learning curve. Difficult times have made me a better Dad...and most importantly a better human being.