Abducting The Child Mind

“So this was what it was about….. her hate for me is so much she will use our sons to ensure my ruination. I realized the full force that day of what it is to be hated by someone you once loved. My children had become a weapons of retribution"

Unlike other species on this planet, human offspring enter this world completely dependent for care - usually on their parents - for a few decades rather than merely a few weeks.

Across the planet, parenting traditions and styles diverge with culture and community.

Furthermore, the ability to parent is at variance but this task is managed rather successfully by most couples.

“Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and wilful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood, which is to promote and encourage a positive and loving relationship with the other parent, and the concept of shared parental responsibility” - THE FLORIDA BAR JOURNAL, VOL. 73, No. 3, MARCH 1999, p 44-48

With the exponential increase in divorce particularly in traditional societies like India grappling with modernism and radical change, children are increasingly being failed by parents who display incapability to rear children.

For millions of mothers and fathers on the ‘wrong side of the socio-economic tracks’ in India the limitations of poverty, physical or mental disability leading to subsequent afflictions of poor health, substance abuse, criminality thus affecting their ability or desire to parent their children, is understandable. Children in these situations develop a survival instinct with probable support from extended family members, friends, neighbours or even NGO’s.

Of concern is a relatively new and emerging class of parents who fail at appropriately protecting, nurturing, educating and guiding their children.

These are mothers and fathers who do not fit the stereotype of the deficient and ill-equipped parent.

These parents are easily mistaken for the ‘ideal parents’ - usually articulate, rather resourceful and competent in all other aspects of their lives. While they profess love and concern for their children, what sets these parents apart from other dysfunctional parents is their overwhelming commitment to meeting their own needs first. In doing so, they are consumed with destroying the bond their children enjoy with the other parent – at any cost.

Parental Alienation Syndrome is produced by a dysfunctional parent, but it is a disorder in the child. If the child can withstand the alienating parent's lies and manipulations, then bad parenting is certainly taking place, but Parental Alienation Syndrome is not.

It becomes Parental Alienation Syndrome when the child capitulates and begins to participate in the campaign against the targeted parent.

Children subjected to Parental Alienation are taught, daily, via denigration and outright lies, to believe that the other parent is unfair, uncaring and unreliable.

The parent undergoes metamorphism from the idiotic and stupid into the evil and dangerous and eventually into someone worthy of complete and permanent rejection. A child assimilates the destruction of that once deeply loving relationship through self-loathing and rebellion. Isolation and crushing depression follow soon after. This is tantamount to child abuse and abduction of an innocent mind.

Parental Alienation Syndrome is a by-product of contested custody cases. Countless number of children are suffering on an ongoing basis while they are in the care of one parent who places more value on getting even with their ex-spouse than they do on the happiness of their child.

Unfortunately, the legal system parents seek remedies from is not as expedient as required. The ignorance and apparent insensitivity of the family courts towards children’s emotional needs is combined with the unwillingness to look beyond the legal infrastructure to examine why once healthy, happy and well-functioning children that experience a warm and positive relationship with both parents, systematically and without cause reject one parent and deny the love and nurturing that would sustain them.

If the family courts are sensitised with relevant information about children, their behaviour and the consequences of people’s actions, then perhaps we could witness a reduction in systemic failures.

What makes the legal system crucial is that the only solution to severe, entrenched alienation is court. Parents that alienate are, if not bona fide pathological, at least convinced in an absolute and paranoid way that they are right. In other words: they won't stop. Acquiring the legal standing to say “No” to power plays and to re-establish relationship with one’s child is the only way to bring a ‘turn around’ in the syndrome.

This is where the real damage occurs to a child's developing personality and young mind and heart. The emotionally damaging fallout that occurs when a child is robbed of his right to be loved by both his parents is a cause for concern as a future generation of India remains susceptible to deviance, depression and suicide.

Having already lost one parent and faced with losing the other, PAS children live every day in fear. Creating an awareness of the drivers and effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome is the first step towards addressing dysfunctions in our legal system that permits it to flourish.

Former partners and the justice system should work together to ensure that children maintain strong and positive relationships with both parents.